Gay Thoughts

Not what I originally wanted to post today, but I haven't finished the other post. So instead I thought I would write down some of the thoughts I had had over the past few years about me being gay. They are the result of always being told homosexuality was a sin, repression and trying to 'pray the gay away'. They're not necessarily pretty, but... they are what they are. I will try to reproduce them as accurately as I can.


"I am not gay. I can't be gay. I just know that I'm not gay."

"This isn't normal... how can people even do those things?"

"Why am I having these thoughts?"

"I'm so weak for having these thoughts."

"Why is this happening to me?"

"I'll be a testimony that change is possible, that being gay is a choice and that others just don't want to change".

"Why do I keep thinking of such things? I'm so weak."
 
"But I'm not gay: I don't want sex, I just want a kiss."

"God, please take these unnatural thoughts from me."
 
"God, I don't want to be gay, I really don't. Please don't let me be gay."

"I understand that being gay is wrong and if this is 'my cross', I'll go my whole life without love. There are other people who are never in a relationship, I won't be the only one."

"If anyone suspects that I might be gay, I'll just play the martyr and they'll leave me alone. I'll lie about it. I'll deny it and they never will know."

"I will never act on these thoughts. I'll never do it."

"I'd rather go without love than being gay."

"I'd rather be dead than gay."

These are all that I think of right now, but I'm sure there are more of them. They've usually been accompanied by shame, guilt, disgust, maybe even depression.

If you're the person who is convinced that being gay is a sin and a choice and it can be cured and are more than eager to voice it as the truth... maybe take a step back and think about it.

What's said is that even I was that person for quite some time.