Notes to the Coroner

I honestly don't remember the last time I felt as dead, empty, alone, drained and hopelessly lost as I did today. I'm just incredibly tired... maybe I'll feel differently by the end of the day, but until then:

These are my notes to the coroner,Clues with no compromise...
Notes to the coroner,
Details of my demise.

Palpitations of a broken heart
Triggered my shortness of breath,
I lost too much love and then I fell apart -
Official cause of my death.

What if?

I had a thought the other night.

What if we're not meant to elevate ourselves to some idea of holiness, but instead sink further down into our humanity?

That just seems awfully doable and simple and... just right.

Suicide

When the fear of living is greater than the fear of dying is when I think suicide occurs. At least that can be one possible motivation.

Just a thought.

Church of Your Heart

I would be more than willing to go to church.

As long as we'd be meeting outside of church.

As long as we'd talk using 'I believe', 'in my opinion', 'I think', 'for me' and 'it's okay if you disagree'.

As long as we'd talk about love.

As long as we'd have no Bibles.

As long as we wouldn't try to guilt each other into subscribing to one particular set of beliefs.

As long as we wouldn't instil the fear of Hell.

As long as we'd answer questions like 'What is one thing you believe in you think most people would disagree with?'.

And we'd react to those answers with an 'Interesting' and a genuine, reassuring smile even when we disagree.

As long as we'd tell each other it doesn't matter what we believe in, how close or far we are from the truth as long as our beliefs enables us to love and care for people.


But I'm pretty sure there is no such church.

P.S. The title is a reference to the Roxette song. Which is awesome.

Questions?

Joan of Arcadia is probably the TV show that had the most impact on me. Partly because it's incredibly rich in what could be seen as life lessons, and partly because it came into my life at a time when I really needed to hear them.

My mistake was that I didn't necessarily apply all the lessons I learned in my life... and then I started to forget them... but yesterday night, I remembered a scene that, to me, rang true then and still does now - probably even more.

The show is about young girl who sees and talks with God and performs tasks she's given and the scene I'm talking about is from the 10th episode of the second (and last) season. The main character has a conversation with God about the death of her friend and it goes like this:

Joan: 'So... questions, that's it? It's about questions?'

God: 'That's it.'

Joan: 'Okay, then I have one:[name of friend who died]. Why did she have to die?'

God: 'What if she never lived at all?'

Joan: 'What if I had done things differently? What If I could have saved her?'

God: 'What if knowing you gave her days she thought she'd never have?'

Joan: 'No! No, I want answers! People need answers! Don't you see how much I miss her?'

God: 'Can't you still feel her? See, it's not about answers; it's about asking the right questions.'

This show got cancelled way too soon, but this has been one of the many epiphanies I had while watching it. It really got me thinking... what questions should we be asking ourselves, ultimately? For me, I think it's: how can I live the best life and help others do that too?

Gay Thoughts

Not what I originally wanted to post today, but I haven't finished the other post. So instead I thought I would write down some of the thoughts I had had over the past few years about me being gay. They are the result of always being told homosexuality was a sin, repression and trying to 'pray the gay away'. They're not necessarily pretty, but... they are what they are. I will try to reproduce them as accurately as I can.


"I am not gay. I can't be gay. I just know that I'm not gay."

"This isn't normal... how can people even do those things?"

"Why am I having these thoughts?"

"I'm so weak for having these thoughts."

"Why is this happening to me?"

"I'll be a testimony that change is possible, that being gay is a choice and that others just don't want to change".

"Why do I keep thinking of such things? I'm so weak."
 
"But I'm not gay: I don't want sex, I just want a kiss."

"God, please take these unnatural thoughts from me."
 
"God, I don't want to be gay, I really don't. Please don't let me be gay."

"I understand that being gay is wrong and if this is 'my cross', I'll go my whole life without love. There are other people who are never in a relationship, I won't be the only one."

"If anyone suspects that I might be gay, I'll just play the martyr and they'll leave me alone. I'll lie about it. I'll deny it and they never will know."

"I will never act on these thoughts. I'll never do it."

"I'd rather go without love than being gay."

"I'd rather be dead than gay."

These are all that I think of right now, but I'm sure there are more of them. They've usually been accompanied by shame, guilt, disgust, maybe even depression.

If you're the person who is convinced that being gay is a sin and a choice and it can be cured and are more than eager to voice it as the truth... maybe take a step back and think about it.

What's said is that even I was that person for quite some time.