Notes to the Coroner

I honestly don't remember the last time I felt as dead, empty, alone, drained and hopelessly lost as I did today. I'm just incredibly tired... maybe I'll feel differently by the end of the day, but until then:

These are my notes to the coroner,Clues with no compromise...
Notes to the coroner,
Details of my demise.

Palpitations of a broken heart
Triggered my shortness of breath,
I lost too much love and then I fell apart -
Official cause of my death.

Suicide

When the fear of living is greater than the fear of dying is when I think suicide occurs. At least that can be one possible motivation.

Just a thought.

"Am I gay?"

“Because here’s the thing about realizing you’re into girls. Hardly anyone I know has ever said, “Am I gay?” in the same way they say, “Hey, do you know what the weather’s supposed to be like tomorrow?” Like they just need to figure out how to dress for the occasion. No, when most people ask, “Am I gay?” they ask it with the kind of urgency they would usually reserve for things like, “Do I strap this parachute to my back and jump from this free falling airplane or do I nose dive into the ocean and hope the sharks don’t eat my remains? SINK OR SWIM? LIVE OR DIE? QUENCH THE FIRE OR BURN ALIVE?” It feels so urgent, and the reason it feels so urgent is because you’re probably not just asking, “Hey, do I want to make out with other girls?”

You’re also probably asking: What the hell are my parents going to say when I tell them I want to kiss other girls? And my friends and my co-workers and my classmates and everyone at my family reunion? And what’s that girl going to say when I tell her I want to kiss her? And how is my life ever going to be OK, and how can I go on being the same, and am I the same, and what else do I not know about what’s alive inside me? And who will still love me and who will start hating me, and is God involved, or the government maybe, and what if it’s only one girl I want to kiss, and how do I label myself and must I label myself, and what if I change my mind and, really, what if I do burn alive?”
— Heather Hogan


Truer words never spoken...

Gay Thoughts

Not what I originally wanted to post today, but I haven't finished the other post. So instead I thought I would write down some of the thoughts I had had over the past few years about me being gay. They are the result of always being told homosexuality was a sin, repression and trying to 'pray the gay away'. They're not necessarily pretty, but... they are what they are. I will try to reproduce them as accurately as I can.


"I am not gay. I can't be gay. I just know that I'm not gay."

"This isn't normal... how can people even do those things?"

"Why am I having these thoughts?"

"I'm so weak for having these thoughts."

"Why is this happening to me?"

"I'll be a testimony that change is possible, that being gay is a choice and that others just don't want to change".

"Why do I keep thinking of such things? I'm so weak."
 
"But I'm not gay: I don't want sex, I just want a kiss."

"God, please take these unnatural thoughts from me."
 
"God, I don't want to be gay, I really don't. Please don't let me be gay."

"I understand that being gay is wrong and if this is 'my cross', I'll go my whole life without love. There are other people who are never in a relationship, I won't be the only one."

"If anyone suspects that I might be gay, I'll just play the martyr and they'll leave me alone. I'll lie about it. I'll deny it and they never will know."

"I will never act on these thoughts. I'll never do it."

"I'd rather go without love than being gay."

"I'd rather be dead than gay."

These are all that I think of right now, but I'm sure there are more of them. They've usually been accompanied by shame, guilt, disgust, maybe even depression.

If you're the person who is convinced that being gay is a sin and a choice and it can be cured and are more than eager to voice it as the truth... maybe take a step back and think about it.

What's said is that even I was that person for quite some time.

Southside of Lonesome

I've no idea how to start writing or what to talk about, so I guess a song will be as good a starting point as any other. This one's a pretty accurate description of where I'm at right now and it's one I can't really post anywhere else either...  Also, I'll probably write more about Chely Wright in the future.

Well I guess I've got my answer now
It's painful and it's clear
I'm goin' places I have never known
God it's worse than I ever feared

I'm on the southside of lonesome
Don't know my way back
I am confused and I am broken
Can't believe it hurts this bad

Yeah the southside of lonesome
It's a little hard to find
But you'll know it when you get here
If you haven't lost your mind